Big Fish

Have you ever wanted to get inside your own head?
Do you ever feel those thoughts,
swimming around in the depths?
I can only reach the surface.

Big fish there, sure.

Big, delicious, fish.

But I want access to the little fish that feed those big fish.
I want to know those small thoughts that are swallowed up by big ones,
and make things all the more confusing for me.

Why do I feel this way?
Why does it always feel like my thoughts are not my own?
Why does it feel like time is independent of myself?
Why does it feel like all of the moments are happening at once?

Why do I feel like I am being smothered?
Who is smothering me?

What do I know about myself?
It feels like nothing some days.
Other days I feel I know myself so completely there is no mystery.
I can not identify my problem.
I only know that the problems I identify are not my problems
when their solutions offer me no solace.

There are always little fish,
swimming inside of me.
Too fast to catch,
blending in with their surroundings,
until the big fish consume them.

And I remain unknown to myself.

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