But I’d like to be.

I did not want my biggest mistake to be letting you go, so I let myself fall apart. The words left my mouth. Immediately I felt a dagger slip past my ribs. Immediately I saw your eyes, your eyes that are so real, that have more depth than the most practiced poet could articulate,  I saw them shut. And I felt your body against me, the way a man feels his finger tips just after his arm is severed. I could feel a jolt of anger run through you, a jolt of pain and anguish I’d come to know. For you had the mind of a warrior but the soul of a romantic, and as they vied for the control of your will, you often suffered.

Can’t you stop. Can’t you get out of my mind. Why am I so weak? Why am I so angry? This was my choice. This was my selfishness that put me here. And I’m digging a hole to the core of the earth with my bare hands so I can stay there. My fingers hurt but I gotta keep going. I could never let you forgive me for what I have done.

What have I done?

Damn near sold my soul to the devil. Damn near bought a ticket to hell. I have so many dreams, I have so much life flowing through my veins, but I have made choices that keep me up all night, and the life in my veins has been compromised.  I used to love. I used to know what love meant. Meant losing myself in someone else’s eyes, meant making them happy meant making me happy. But now nothing is where someone used to be, and tears tell the world I am not whole.

I am not whole.

But I’d like to be.


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